YEARNING

Sam, you told me that it is dignified to die because of something that is worthwhile, but I do not agree.

You can ask Death for being fast, brief and painless, but you cannot ask if for dignity, because it lacks of that.

Perhaps are Muhammad, Gandhi or Martin Luther King remembered because they died, like any other living does? No. They are remembered because of what they did in their lives, because they fought for their goals and they reached them, leaving a very huge record in this world. And maybe those goals carried them to Death, but it was not to die what gave them the glory, was that they reached what they wanted to…You do not die with dignity, Sam, YOU LIVE WITH IT.

Moreover, we humans think that we are better than the other livings because our brain is much more developed than theirs, what gives us the chance to make weapons and kill them all…even kill ourselves. And I wonder…and?

Really, take a look at us, Sam: we are made of a very soft material that’s easy to break down; we need to sleep, to eat…we need so many things to keep on living. And we still think we are invincible, but that is not true at all.

Perhaps you think that the AIDS and cancer are stronger than us? Allegedly no, they aren’t. But nevertheless they can kill us…so maybe we are not as strong as we think, are we?...In the end, our lives cost less than the bullet that kills us.

So, knowing how weak we are, we must live everyday of our lives as it would be the last one while we have the chance. And if we don’t do it, we will regret the rest of our existence.

Nowadays, I’m sad, Sam. I feel that I am losing my entire life in studying and doing everything that is supposed to be right…and I cannot repair it.

I have to study to get a good job and to be happy…but what people forget and I don’t is that you are really happy when you are young. Is nature, because is when you are really healthy. And we humans dedicate the best years of our life, when we do can be happy, in stay in a chair, looking at the books instead of being face to face with Life.

I want to feel life, Sam. I need it as the air I breathe.

So I have two options:

First, leave it all behind and take the control of my life. Live as if nothing else would matter…that really, nothing else matters.

Second, still like this, but try to be free some moments of my life to take the strength I need to still studying. Taking Life not as something to live, as something to survive.

And, in fact, Sam, I know that I am going to take the second one, even though I know that I would be really happy taking the first one, because I am so afraid.

I feel I lose every day of my fucking life, and I can’t do anything because I am not brave enough to do it! But some day I will be fed up with everything and I will run far away from here, living it all behind…

Sam, between you and I, I do am yearning for that day to come.